Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Excuse Me, WHAT Did You Just Say?

So, back in December I was fully prepared to write a snarky post from my 36 week check up...that's the first one where they check your cervix and swab your butthole so you know it would have been a good one.


We had a baby. That day. NBD. OMG. IKR? WTF! 

So let's talk about December 15, 2015:

It's 10 days before Christmas and I run a $5.5 million store so needless to say my stress level was up there. I was still teeter-tottering up on step ladders when no one was watching, but those 8 hour shifts were starting to get to me. I was officially in tennis shoes every day at work with my ankles pouring over the sides and touching the floor. Ok, that last part was a lie. But I was definitely swollen. Monday I left saying, "See you on Thursday!" ......................and never came back. 

Tuesday was my day off, I was having a great day so far. I felt great, I had the energy that morning to shave most of my legs, and I said "screw you caffeine rules" and went to Starbucks anyway.  At the doctor's office I was called back to get my blood pressure and weight checked. Weighed in at 199 which I counted as a win as I had ballooned that last couple of weeks and was expecting to be WAY over the 200 mark. I literally had no more room to stretch and had one little stretch mark starting that I swear I could hear laughing at night.

So Nurse #1 checks my blood pressure, looks at me funny, and checks it again. Checks it a third time, and then says "Um...I'll be right back." .........okay, obviously this one has no game face
Nurse #1 comes back with Nurse #2 who takes my blood pressure twice and they both look at each other, (mind you they are saying what the blood pressure numbers are... I just didn't have a clue what any of it meant.) 
Nurse #2 says "Well let's get you back to see the doctor right away." ......shit, I bet this is because I drank too much coffee, I wish I knew what was going on. Oh well, lalalalalala.

So I see the doctor, she does all the normal exam stuff then tells me my blood pressure is a little high (liar) so she mentions a possibility of bed rest and sends me to Labor & Delivery so they can watch my blood pressure for a couple hours. THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN MY FIRST CLUE. But naturally it wasn't. .....hmm, that's weird my blood pressure has been perfect this whole time, oh well at least I'll get to watch Bravo.

We go to L&D, still clueless, I get hooked up to all the monitors, still clueless. .........ooh Real Housewives of Beverly Hills marathon, my fave. Vanderpump Rules! Stassi's such a bitch......

My new nurse comes in after a while and shoots it straight with me on my level: "Girlfriend, your blood pressure sucks. You're probably going home with a baby."


That word you just said sounded an awful lot like "baby."

Doctor comes in, and in a nutshell she tells me baby is great, but I have very severe preeclampsia and the little nugget needs to come out now. I will never forget this moment because my husband and I looked at each other and we both teared up in panic. I will never forget the look on his face in that split second of sheer terror. ........dammit, glad I showered today I guess.     

So 10 hours, a ton of phone calls, one million ice chips and one c-section later,  we welcomed baby Collins to the world!  

We were in the hospital for a week after she arrived due to her prematurity and my blood pressure,  the experience which I've summed up below minus all the really nasty stuff: 

Cons: NICU baby = sad, sad new Mommy, hospital food, those awkward gowns with the boob holes in the front, and a painful recovery.
Pros: My first Christmas off in 10 years, a week of Housewives and Kardashian marathons, never reaching 200 lbs (muaahahaaa), pain killers, an excuse to shop online all day, oh yeah.....and the cutest baby EVER. (That they eventually made me take home, why I still don't know.)   

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