Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Complaining, While I Still Can

So I decided to compile a list of the things parents do that I think are annoying, and it will probably offend people. But I will probably also do all of these things in the near future, so I really give no shits if you're offended.

1. Changing your baby's poopy diaper in the booth next to mine at a restaurant, OR in the fitting room next to mine in a store. NOT A BATHROOM. TAKE THE POO ELSEWHERE.

2. Letting your baby/kid scream in a place obviously not meant for small children i.e. a fancy restaurant, a rated R movie, adult superstore etc.

3. Bare breastfeeding in public. Okay, there I said it. Now the whole world hates me, other moms won't be my friend and the La Leche League is already on their way to slaughter my first born. Either way, I think it's weird and I don't want to see your fucking nipples.

4. Seeing kids unrestrained in moving vehicles....ok now this is something that really chaps my ass. I don't care who you are or where you are driving.....your kid NOT in a car seat or seat belt is just asking for a traumatic brain injury. Although if they aren't restrained that's probably genetic and now there's nothing you can do about it.

5. Bringing your baby to the bar. Just kidding, that's awesome.

6. Tiny, tiny babies in those cheap umbrella strollers. Poor things look like they are about to roll out onto the floor. I'm all about the 5 point harness and I want my kid to look like they are strapped in for NASCAR race day.

7. Posting 1,000,000 pictures of your kid online that look exactly the same. You think your kid is cute. We get it.

So now that I've listed all my grievances, I should probably confess that these are all the things people complain about with me and my dog. Especially the breastfeeding in public.

Also, tomorrow is my birthday, and all I can really think about is the fact that it is my very last birthday that I will ever have without a child, and I can't even get drunk and cry about it.

How far along? 24 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: Gained another pound for +3 total...here we go I guess.
Maternity clothes? Upgraded from leggings to jeans. Still in regular shirts though.
Stretch marks? No.
Sleep: Still sleeping ok.
Best moment this week: Putting the stroller together!    
Miss Anything? I bought some sparkling juice so I can put it in a wine glass and roll around on the floor like the good ole days.
Movement: Homegirl is a squirmer especially first thing in the morning, or when "I Can't Feel My Face" is on the radio.
Food cravings: Garden Salsa SunChips
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nope.
Have you started to show yet: Yep, it's getting pretty obvious at this point.
Gender: Girl. 
Labor Signs: No.
Symptoms: Out of breath easily & headaches every now and then.
Belly Button in or out? In.
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy!
Looking forward to: Starting to put the nursery together. (Come on Josh!)

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Bye, Bye Skinny Jeans

Well, the time has come. I've officially packed up all my skinny jeans and embraced the full-belly panel look.

Now normally I'm one to give up comfort for fashion, and I'm a bit of a label whore, so I had some pretty snotty, preconceived notions as I entered the maternity store (with my nose scrunched up...I'm positive I looked disgusted and terrified all at once). I had visions dancing in my head of ruffled front tops ew, drawstring denim button ups gross, and large floral muumuus gag me.    

But after the nice sales manager there gave me some non-threatening options to try, my whole world changed in that little dressing room.


Do you even KNOW how much you can eat with these things on? I mean seriously, there is no "oh man I feel so bloated my pants are tight." You could just keep going and going and the pants go with you. I will never have to unbutton my pants at the movies again (don't act like you haven't done it you liar.) And Thanksgiving??? OMG WATCH OUT.

Dear God I may never go back. I have been ruined.

How far along? 22 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: Ok no more bragging, I finally gained 2 lbs.
Maternity clothes? Helllooooooo stretchy pants!
Stretch marks? No, hopefully the 1,000 creams I bought work.
Sleep: Sleeping great with my giant new body pillow.
Best moment this week: Discovering full belly panels.  
Miss Anything? Some day I might miss something more than booze.
Movement: YES! Finally some little kicks!
Food cravings: Cake donut + icing + sprinkles please. (Very specific, I know.)
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nada!
Have you started to show yet: Yes, but not enough for strangers to be brave enough to ask.
Gender: Girl. 
Labor Signs: No.
Belly Button in or out? In.
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy!
Looking forward to: Starting to put the nursery together.

Thursday, September 3, 2015



20 week bump.
How far along? 20 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: Lost another pound, but I think I also gained a few so now I'm back to where I started.
Maternity clothes? Wearing mostly dresses, but ventured into maternity legging territory.
Stretch marks? No.
Sleep: Sleeping great except for my weird-ass dreams.
Best moment this week: Seeing a healthy baby at our 20 week ultrasound.
Miss Anything? Not being able to drink during football season should be a crime.
Movement: Little flutters finally!
Food cravings: Zaxby's onion rings....omg I need them now.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Still fish, the little buggers.
Have you started to show yet: My belly sticks out further than my boobs so I guess this is a yes now.
Gender: Girl.
Labor Signs: No (I'm gonna shit when I say yes to this one.)
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy!

Hey girlfriend! 

10 Reasons I'm Terrified to Have a GIRL

Welp folks it's official!

Baby T is a SHE! We did one of those fun blood tests that tell you early.

And here are the reasons that terrifies me:

10. Now I have to be the one to have the sex talk some day. Ugh.

9. I officially have to worry about ALL the other penises in the world instead of just one.

8. I thought the days of superglueing Barbie doll heads back on were behind me.

7. Time to start saving for a wedding. Dammit.

6. Women STILL don't get equal pay in the workforce (had to throw that in, girl power and such.)

5. She will never fully understand the magic of the Spice Girls and how hot JTT was.

4. Impending eye rolls.

3. The future battle to cover body parts up.

2. Our butts DO NOT fit in leotards.

1. She's going to be just. like. me. (cue screaming)

On the plus side, we get to do some cute matching like so! 

How far along? 16 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: Still not gaining weight, worried this means it will all catch up in the end.
Maternity clothes? I'm still holding out but I've had to rubber band a pair of pants or two.
Stretch marks? No.
Sleep: Sleeping great now!
Best moment this week: Finding out baby is a GIRL!
Have you told family and friends: Yes!
Miss Anything? A summer full of sangria on the patio.
Movement: Still nada.
Food cravings: Milk & Cookies
Anything making you queasy or sick: Fish.
Have you started to show yet: Growing slowly, tighter clothes give me away.
Gender prediction: GIRL!
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy!

Edumacate Yourself

For the fellow clueless preggo out there like me, it is very tempting to purchase every single paperback in the baby/parenting section. Obviously in hopes that if I read them all I will magically be 100% prepared to birth and raise this impending heathen.

What I've learned so far: most of it is bullshit. Scary effing bullshit. With photos. And diagrams.

So I made myself a rule: only have one reference that gives you the real info you need to know. Everything else should be funny. And so far, it's working.

Here's my recommendations if you care:

My favorite, laughed my ass off.

Good health info, easy to understand without being too scary.

Another hilarious option with a useful tip or two.

I Bought A Baby Cage

Who knew so much would go into choosing a cage to lock your baby up in?

Oh, wait that's not what those are for? Uh.....

Anyway, after much deliberation we opted not to go with the one my parents still have stored in the attic from when I was born ("safety regulations" or something ridiculous) and found a cute gender neutral option. Also came with a free mattress! Apparently I have to research how mattresses can smother babies, but who really has time for that.....

Personally I think it would make a perfectly good dog bed, but I guess eventually Shrimpy will need a place to sleep and poor Luna will need to be vacated from the premises.

"Um...so this is for me right?"

Oh, we also chose this picture to announce to the world that Josh's prodigy is on it's way...NBD!

How far along? 14 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: I've still lost wait, guessing from the lack of alcohol.
Maternity clothes? Not yet, but baggy pants are my BFF.
Stretch marks? No.
Sleep: Starting to sleep like a baby!
Best moment this week: My dad putting the crib together, even though it wouldn't fit through the door.
Have you told family and friends: YES! The world finally knows why I can't stop eating cheese.
Miss Anything? Skinny jeans. (...and alcohol...)
Movement: I know it's happening I just can't feel it.
Food cravings: Onion rings.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Fish.
Have you started to show yet: Still rocking a small beer gut, definitely still questionable to strangers.
Gender prediction: Still leaning towards the female specimen.
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy!

Baby Doctor Visit #2


Can't even describe how fun today was!

Minus the fact that I had to empty my bladder about three times for poor Linda the Ultrasound Lady (what? I like to hydrate...) we had a great visit!

Our little Shrimp has officially upgraded to non-shrimp-like status. It's actually starting to look human. thank god. Still has a gigantic head but we won't hold that against the little one just yet, we all go through our awkward stages.

The best part of the whole thing was getting to see Shrimp bouncing up and down and waving it's little arms in the care like it just didn't care.

How far along? 12 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: Lost 6 lbs now, isn't this supposed to be going the other way?
Maternity clothes? Still shopping, but not wearing....did you know H&M sells them?!
Stretch marks? No.
Sleep: Still getting up to pee and chug water once a night.
Best moment this week: Watching Shrimp throwing a party in there!
Have you told family and friends: Yes, all close ones know! Debating on announcing to the world!
Miss Anything? Alcohol, (which will always be first) and now coffee which upsets my stomach.
Movement: No :(
Food cravings: Donuts & Philly Cheesesteaks
Anything making you queasy or sick: Coffee
Have you started to show yet: Just a little bit! I'm in the awkward " wow, she's let herself go" phase.
Gender prediction: Most are guessing girl but I still don't know! We'll find out soon!
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy!

Looking forward to: Finding out the gender & telling the world.