Sunday, June 21, 2015

Happy Father's Day!

Even though little Shrimp won't be here for quite awhile, I decided to go ahead and surprise my husband with his first Father's Day gift.

I ordered this cute set from Etsy and he loved it! I found lots of other cute and mildly inappropriate baby wear so I'm excited to start shopping!

Friday, June 19, 2015

I'm A Raging Bitch

Oh. My. God. I hate you. And you. And you over there. And you I’ve never met. And you that I never will meet. All of you.

No, no, not really, I love you. All of you. You’re the greatest and so supportive and..and…*sobbing*

So mood swings, eh?

I have never experienced uncontrollable emotions like this before.

When I’m angry at something that wouldn’t normally make me mad it’s like there is this little person in my head screaming “No, stop! This isn’t a big deal!” but all I can do is huff and puff like a lunatic and throw the laundry basket across the room because I can’t find the pants I want to wear. (Sure wish that didn’t really happen.)

Yesterday my sister sent me this hilarious video of a child falling dangerously down a slide and I was laughing so hard that I actually started crying from happiness. Not just tears in my eyes from laughing, but hard, ugly crying. (See my first post about not loving children.)

And that GE commercial with the little monster that gets bullied until he becomes a beautiful grown monster? Forget about it I was sobbing. They were just SO mean to him……

I finally decided to come clean to my coworkers after a particularly embarrassing meltdown, and they know me so well that a couple have even developed a “calm down” signal that gives me time to run and take cover when they feel one a’brewin. Thanks guys, you’re the best!

So for now I think the only thing I can do is avoid videos of dogs being reunited to soldiers returning home from war on YouTube.

How far along? 10 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: Lost 3 lbs. but I don’t know how that’s possible because I haven’t thrown up once.
Maternity clothes? Bought a few winter things on clearance but still too afraid to try on!
Stretch marks? No.
Sleep: Now getting up to pee and chug water once a night.
Best moment this week: Not killing anyone.
Have you told family and friends: Yes, still only a close few and now the girls at work so my mood swings are understood (and hopefully forgiven!)
Miss Anything? My sweet, precious alcohol.
Movement: Not yet.
Food cravings: Cheetos, but only the puffy ones.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Still that damn smelly food.
Have you started to show yet: No, but I’m so bloated I might as well be…
Gender prediction: In my dreams it’s been a girl.
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Oh so moody. Bleh.
Looking forward to: Finding out the gender, telling the world, and not feeling like a crazy person.

Baby Doctor Visit #1


I seriously feel like a million pieces of information has been slammed into my brain today and I just forgot all of it. The only thing I remember is that I can’t drink anymore, and damn do I need a DRANK.

On the plus side, my OBGYN is so amazing that I just want to kiss her on the lips every time she walks into the room. My husband loves her too, as far I know he doesn’t want to kiss her but he thinks she is really caring, a good listener and she makes us feel like all our concerns are normal ones and puts us at ease. Luckily for me everything was healthy and normal so all my questions after that were purely about vanity. (Knowing if you can spray tan is IMPORTANT.)

I recently switched doctors because my old gyno was a straight up bitch and always made me feel stupid. I don’t CARE if you think my question is stupid and my concerns are silly, you are the doctor so just ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION. She was the same doctor I’ve seen since my Mom sent me to get on birth control at age 18 in case I got date raped at college, and I guess I just never realized that you can go see ANY doctor you WANT to.

I had asked her once about what I should do if I was thinking about conceiving, and she told me to “stop smoking crack.” Which I would have found hilarious if it was followed by real doctor-type advice. BYE FELICIA.  

But seeing the little Shrimp on the ultrasound was SO fun and watching the little heart beat monitor made it all start to feel real.


So I guess my advice to you is:, find an OBGYN you want to make out with because it makes things so much easier when you are freaking the eff out because of the human inside you.

Also, second piece of advice: warn your support person that during the first ultrasound the giant wand goes in your hot pocket, not on your belly. Poor guy was NOT prepared for that and asked a LOT of questions about how ineffective the paper blankets are.

How far along? 8 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: None.
Maternity clothes? Just a couple hand-me-downs I’m too afraid to try on.
Stretch marks? No.
Sleep: Sleeping great, but having weird ass dreams.
Best moment this week: Seeing Shrimpy on the ultrasound!
Have you told family and friends: Yes, still only a close few.
Miss Anything? Wine. Beer. Vodka. Tequila. Rum. Get my drift?
Movement: Not yet.
Food cravings: Cereal.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Still the stinky stuff.
Have you started to show yet: Nope.
Gender prediction: I really have no clue!
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy!
Looking forward to: Finding out the gender and telling the world.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

So, Then Why Did You Even Get Pregnant?

I’m sure if there’s anyone actually reading this, you are probably asking yourself this question.

The answer is pretty simple: my sweet, sweet husband LOVES children. Children love him, it’s pretty disgusting, and he wants to be a dad more than anything. (Seriously, he’s the sweetest, kindest, most loving person and I still can’t figure out why we’re married because usually I can’t stand those people.)

So that’s why telling him was pretty fun. I knew the day Aunt Flo skipped town and my 10 pee pee sticks screamed positive that I couldn’t keep my mouth shut for long. So I filled his new toolbox he asked me not to touch with miscellaneous baby things and stuck a bow on top. I knew he would initially be pissed that I touched the toolbox he “specifically asked me not to touch” but his anger was soon forgotten and the jumping up and down and screaming that ensued was severely entertaining!

Telling my family on Mother’s Day was fun too, we gave my mom a card that said “Grandma” on it so watching her open it was exciting! Once she was sure we did it on purpose the congratulations followed.

So whether I’m ready or not, I’m knocked up now and there’s no stopping it so here we go…

How far along? 6 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: None.
Maternity clothes? None.
Stretch marks? No.
Sleep: Sleeping great!
Best moment this week: Telling my family!  
Have you told family and friends: Yes, but just a select few.
Miss Anything? WINE. wine. wine. *cue sobbing*
Movement: None.
Food cravings: None yet.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Fish, onions, anything smelly.
Have you started to show yet: Nope.
Gender prediction: Chinese calendar says girl.  
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy!.
Looking forward to: Our first Dr. visit!

shit. shit. SHIT!

Well kids, the fun is officially over. This is not a drill. The Thomases are about to be PARENTS.

To a human. effing. being. Like a real person, with feelings, emotions, a personality and all kinds of corruptible things.  

If you know anything about me you know one of the most obvious things:  I don’t love children. I’m usually pretty mean to them, which in turn makes them think I’m kidding and then they come back for more, so it’s a pretty abusive cycle for both parties.

 I’ve never changed a diaper. or fed a baby. I’ve held one enough times to count on one hand. A good friend of mine left me alone with hers once so she could use the restroom, but she came back so quickly I’m not sure she even wiped. Her concern was warranted as I’ve locked another friend’s child in a dog kennel. (To be fair the little nugget went in on her own and ASKED me to shut the door okay?)

So I’ve never been one to over share about my life via social media, internet, etc. but as I type into Google “what do you do with a baby,” I begin to discover an untapped world of what are affectionately titled: Mom Blogs. dun dun dun.

So as I peruse the Mommy Internet World I’m finding that there is a Mom Blog for almost everything you can think of.  If you are pro/anti anything I promise you that someone, somewhere out there is blogging about it for you. And let me tell you what, there are some people out there that are fucking crazy.

My most interesting finds:
Free-Range Kids
The Feminist Breeder

… and oh. dear. god. could I go on!

So herein lies the inspiration to start my own uncensored (sorry Dad), documentation of the journey of a pediaphobic pregnant person. (Pediaphobia aka the fear of children is a real thing, look it up. Not to be confused with pediophobia which is the fear of dolls, but I have that too.)

Sidenote: I’m an excellent Dog Mom, so I’m thinking this can’t be much harder…right? RIGHT?!