Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Weird Dreams

I tracked my weird pregnancy dreams for awhile. You're welcome.

... The one where I went into early labor and when I showed up at the hospital I had half my baby hanging out of my hot pocket, only to pull it all the way out and find out it's a ferret with no hair that shrivels up in my hands.......????

... The one where my baby climbs out of the front of the stroller and I'm dragging her under it through the mall without noticing.

... The one where lightening is hitting every house on my block in order one by one.

... The one where I cheat on my husband with Patrick Swayze circa the Dirty Dancing era, but then move to Florida to marry a classmate from high school. (This will make the next reunion awkward...)

... The one where I turn into a cartoon character that wants to make out with strangers.

... The one where my baby decides to crawl out by herself and start nursing in the middle of the night, and I don't realize it until I lift up the sheets to see what's going on down there.

...The one where I go through the grocery store and lick all of the fruit roll ups.

...The one where my friend quits speaking to me for showing her how to do laundry.

...The one where I'm a waitress at a restaurant where the drinks are served in water guns that you have to shoot into your mouth.

How far along? 34 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: +12 lbs
Maternity clothes? I'm resisting the urge to buy more and trying to make these last few weeks last!
Stretch marks? No, but the stretching is real.
Sleep: Getting more difficult, especially the sleeping and breathing at the same time part.
Best moment this week: Getting my Christmas cards ready to go, baby themed of course!       
Miss Anything? I used to really love moving around without difficulty.
Movement: Body parts are starting to stick out and it's just creepy!
Food cravings: I'm on a brownie kick at the moment.
Anything making you queasy or sick: No but I have to eat more often in smaller amounts.
Gender: Girl. 
Labor Signs: No.
Symptoms: Getting super exhausted, but it could be the Holiday season at work. Gotta love retail.
Belly Button in or out? Still in, holding on to hope.
Wedding rings on or off? Off! Time to buy a big fakie!
Happy or Moody most of the time: Annoyed with everyone, but again that could be retail during the holidays!
Looking forward to: Last touches on the nursery, it's pretty much done!

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Maternity Photo Shoot

No complaints today, just a few favorites from our maternity photo shoot taken at 32 weeks!

The leaves were definitely in our favor that day:

How far along? 32 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: +10 lbs
Maternity clothes? Yep, starting to realize I need to do laundry more often.
Stretch marks? Still in the clear.
Sleep: Depends on the day.
Best moment this week: FINALLY getting finished dressers. Nursery pics soon!       
Miss Anything? Being able to roll over by myself.
Movement: Less since she's running out of space, but homegirl has a swift right hook.
Food cravings: Brrrroooooowwwnnnnnniiiieesssssss all the time.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nope.
Gender: Girl. 
Labor Signs: No.
Symptoms: I've had major gum and nosebleeds, pretty much can turn into Dracula at any moment.
Belly Button in or out? Still in, but I don't trust it.
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Still very moody.
Looking forward to: Cleaning the house, it's nesting time!

Friday, November 13, 2015

Touched By A Stranger

I knew this day was coming.

It was inevitable, really.

It all happened so fast that when it was over I wasn't even sure it had really happened.

A stranger. touched. my. belly.

Worst of all it was a customer at work, so there was no opportunity for me to scream "EXCUSE ME YOU CRAZY TOUCHY-FEELY PSYCHO!"

I had to grin and bear it while I tried to convince her that yes ma'am, you do need this $80 sweatshirt.

For some reason in my head I had always pictured being felt up in that way by a cute little grandma that smelled like gingerbread.

For some reason that seems okay.

This lady had bad teeth and she didn't even smell good.

I feel like a part of my baby's soul has been stolen.

How far along? 30 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: +8 lbs, doubled in 2 weeks, Halloween was good to me and I have no regrets.
Maternity clothes? I feel like a child screaming at everyone to stop singing Happy Birthday to them when people tell me my maternity clothes are cute, because I hate them all.
Stretch marks? No, knock on wood.
Sleep: Getting harder as I grow bigger.
Best moment this week: Finding out baby is head down, now just stay that way Baby C!       
Miss Anything? I am the Queen of the hot toddy, so this is going to be a rough winter.
Movement: So much, she pretty much stretches out from end to end now.
Food cravings: I have been super into chocolate this week.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nope.
Gender: Girl. 
Labor Signs: No.
Symptoms: I think the heartburn is starting, but that could have been the bag of M&Ms before bed.
Belly Button in or out? In, but it's starting to hurt which makes me think something dangerous is about to happen.
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Super moody, cried all day at work on Monday, only 60% was work related, the rest was just uncontrollable pregnancy crying which continued into the evening and bedtime.
Looking forward to: Finishing the nursery which is STILL waiting on dressers to be painted.

Thursday, October 29, 2015

3rd Trimester Already?!

WOW where has the time gone?!

It feels like just a second ago that I was freaking out about the idea of a little one running around my home and now my thoughts are literally possessed by baby things 24/7. (Which also freaks me out because I feel like I've been brainwashed...) But for real I thought obsessively for weeks over whether I should splurge on a MamaRoo with my gift cards until I finally just did it. (Ugh, who am I?)

We've made a lot of progress in our nursery despite my husband's procrastinating (pics to come soon!) and little mama's wardrobe is definitely starting to grow thanks mostly to my mom (you have a problem, lady.)

I passed my gestational diabetes test with flying colors, and while the sugar drink was definitely gross it wasn't as bad as I expected. They've started measuring my growing abdomen at the doctor, to which I learned they pull your pants WAY down to do that so groom a little for your doctor why dontcha?

Month 7 mood swings have definitely come back to say hello, I cried three times the other day at the same car commercial. Each time it played. By the third time I almost signed up for the more expensive commercial free version of Hulu. Damn you Subaru. I also was so mean to the poor Toys 'R Us checkout boy (in my defense he admitted he had no clue what he was doing) that he actually pretended to be a robot that shut down so he wouldn't have to talk to me anymore. I am so serious, you just can not make that shit up. Looking back I do see that hormones took over and I overreacted, and now I am seriously considering using his strategy on customers at work as it was very effective because it shut me the hell up.

We started Baby Class last week, and so far I can honestly say it's been helpful and I've learned a lot. All the other women are due around the same time and my bump is much smaller than theirs, so I can't decide if I love that or if that makes me feel nervous like I'm doing something wrong. One girl is a full month or two behind us and is way bigger, so I hope she listened during the part where they tell you that if you eat too many donuts your baby gets fat too. Just saying.....

So far we have learned HOW the baby comes out (gross) and some pain management techniques ( you know that awkward hee-hee-hooing). And the most important thing I learned is that we are actually not the dumbest people in the class. One girl actually asked "So can you like, sleep through labor? You know like, not know that it's like, happening?" EXCUSE ME WHAT.  Stop it.

28 weeks - maternity dress from H&M.

How far along? 28 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: Gained another pound! +4 lbs total at my 28 week appt.
Maternity clothes? Had a small meltdown in the closet when no shirts fit, so I'm in mostly maternity clothes most of the time.
Stretch marks? No, knock on wood.
Sleep: Still sleeping ok, but only with my giant body pillow. It had its own suitcase on my work trip.
Best moment this week: Getting all the big baby items crossed off our list.    
Miss Anything? My clean house, as it is currently overrun by clutter as we re-do rooms to make room for baby.
Movement: Lots of stretching, trying to figure out if lumps are a head or rumpus.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nope.
Gender: Girl. 
Labor Signs: No.
Symptoms: Nothing bad enough for me to complain about....yet.
Belly Button in or out? In, but that shit's getting shallow.
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy with a dash of moody.
Looking forward to: Finishing the nursery! We're so close to done!

Baby Shower of Epic Proportions

So I've been neglecting my little blog, but it's time to catch up with some photos from my AMAZING baby shower thrown by my bestie Taylor. 
She is simply put a party planning extraordinaire!! 
I am so thankful to everyone that came and showed their love and excitement for Baby Collins! 
I also finally got all my thank you cards written and addressed, then realized I put the stamp on the wrong side of the envelope (DOH!). So I'm going to be a rebel and try to send them like that anyway, TAKE THAT USPS.

Myself and the beautiful Taylor!

How far along? 26 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: Still at +3 lbs.
Maternity clothes? Still in only maternity bottoms and squeezing into my normal shirts.
Stretch marks? No.
Sleep: Still sleeping ok.
Best moment this week: Painting the nursery!     
Miss Anything? This week I will add lunch meat to the normal answer: alcohol.
Movement: TONS, she is feisty!
Food cravings: Sweets (thank god Halloween is almost here!!)
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nope.
Have you started to show yet: Yep, it's pretty obvious at this point.
Gender: Girl. 
Labor Signs: No.
Symptoms: Starting to get some pain in my hips and lower back.
Belly Button in or out? In.
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy!
Looking forward to: Opening and getting all this new baby gear organized!

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Complaining, While I Still Can

So I decided to compile a list of the things parents do that I think are annoying, and it will probably offend people. But I will probably also do all of these things in the near future, so I really give no shits if you're offended.

1. Changing your baby's poopy diaper in the booth next to mine at a restaurant, OR in the fitting room next to mine in a store. NOT A BATHROOM. TAKE THE POO ELSEWHERE.

2. Letting your baby/kid scream in a place obviously not meant for small children i.e. a fancy restaurant, a rated R movie, adult superstore etc.

3. Bare breastfeeding in public. Okay, there I said it. Now the whole world hates me, other moms won't be my friend and the La Leche League is already on their way to slaughter my first born. Either way, I think it's weird and I don't want to see your fucking nipples.

4. Seeing kids unrestrained in moving vehicles....ok now this is something that really chaps my ass. I don't care who you are or where you are driving.....your kid NOT in a car seat or seat belt is just asking for a traumatic brain injury. Although if they aren't restrained that's probably genetic and now there's nothing you can do about it.

5. Bringing your baby to the bar. Just kidding, that's awesome.

6. Tiny, tiny babies in those cheap umbrella strollers. Poor things look like they are about to roll out onto the floor. I'm all about the 5 point harness and I want my kid to look like they are strapped in for NASCAR race day.

7. Posting 1,000,000 pictures of your kid online that look exactly the same. You think your kid is cute. We get it.

So now that I've listed all my grievances, I should probably confess that these are all the things people complain about with me and my dog. Especially the breastfeeding in public.

Also, tomorrow is my birthday, and all I can really think about is the fact that it is my very last birthday that I will ever have without a child, and I can't even get drunk and cry about it.

How far along? 24 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: Gained another pound for +3 total...here we go I guess.
Maternity clothes? Upgraded from leggings to jeans. Still in regular shirts though.
Stretch marks? No.
Sleep: Still sleeping ok.
Best moment this week: Putting the stroller together!    
Miss Anything? I bought some sparkling juice so I can put it in a wine glass and roll around on the floor like the good ole days.
Movement: Homegirl is a squirmer especially first thing in the morning, or when "I Can't Feel My Face" is on the radio.
Food cravings: Garden Salsa SunChips
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nope.
Have you started to show yet: Yep, it's getting pretty obvious at this point.
Gender: Girl. 
Labor Signs: No.
Symptoms: Out of breath easily & headaches every now and then.
Belly Button in or out? In.
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy!
Looking forward to: Starting to put the nursery together. (Come on Josh!)

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Bye, Bye Skinny Jeans

Well, the time has come. I've officially packed up all my skinny jeans and embraced the full-belly panel look.

Now normally I'm one to give up comfort for fashion, and I'm a bit of a label whore, so I had some pretty snotty, preconceived notions as I entered the maternity store (with my nose scrunched up...I'm positive I looked disgusted and terrified all at once). I had visions dancing in my head of ruffled front tops ew, drawstring denim button ups gross, and large floral muumuus gag me.    

But after the nice sales manager there gave me some non-threatening options to try, my whole world changed in that little dressing room.


Do you even KNOW how much you can eat with these things on? I mean seriously, there is no "oh man I feel so bloated my pants are tight." You could just keep going and going and the pants go with you. I will never have to unbutton my pants at the movies again (don't act like you haven't done it you liar.) And Thanksgiving??? OMG WATCH OUT.

Dear God I may never go back. I have been ruined.

How far along? 22 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: Ok no more bragging, I finally gained 2 lbs.
Maternity clothes? Helllooooooo stretchy pants!
Stretch marks? No, hopefully the 1,000 creams I bought work.
Sleep: Sleeping great with my giant new body pillow.
Best moment this week: Discovering full belly panels.  
Miss Anything? Some day I might miss something more than booze.
Movement: YES! Finally some little kicks!
Food cravings: Cake donut + icing + sprinkles please. (Very specific, I know.)
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nada!
Have you started to show yet: Yes, but not enough for strangers to be brave enough to ask.
Gender: Girl. 
Labor Signs: No.
Belly Button in or out? In.
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy!
Looking forward to: Starting to put the nursery together.

Thursday, September 3, 2015



20 week bump.
How far along? 20 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: Lost another pound, but I think I also gained a few so now I'm back to where I started.
Maternity clothes? Wearing mostly dresses, but ventured into maternity legging territory.
Stretch marks? No.
Sleep: Sleeping great except for my weird-ass dreams.
Best moment this week: Seeing a healthy baby at our 20 week ultrasound.
Miss Anything? Not being able to drink during football season should be a crime.
Movement: Little flutters finally!
Food cravings: Zaxby's onion rings....omg I need them now.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Still fish, the little buggers.
Have you started to show yet: My belly sticks out further than my boobs so I guess this is a yes now.
Gender: Girl.
Labor Signs: No (I'm gonna shit when I say yes to this one.)
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy!

Hey girlfriend! 

10 Reasons I'm Terrified to Have a GIRL

Welp folks it's official!

Baby T is a SHE! We did one of those fun blood tests that tell you early.

And here are the reasons that terrifies me:

10. Now I have to be the one to have the sex talk some day. Ugh.

9. I officially have to worry about ALL the other penises in the world instead of just one.

8. I thought the days of superglueing Barbie doll heads back on were behind me.

7. Time to start saving for a wedding. Dammit.

6. Women STILL don't get equal pay in the workforce (had to throw that in, girl power and such.)

5. She will never fully understand the magic of the Spice Girls and how hot JTT was.

4. Impending eye rolls.

3. The future battle to cover body parts up.

2. Our butts DO NOT fit in leotards.

1. She's going to be just. like. me. (cue screaming)

On the plus side, we get to do some cute matching like so! 

How far along? 16 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: Still not gaining weight, worried this means it will all catch up in the end.
Maternity clothes? I'm still holding out but I've had to rubber band a pair of pants or two.
Stretch marks? No.
Sleep: Sleeping great now!
Best moment this week: Finding out baby is a GIRL!
Have you told family and friends: Yes!
Miss Anything? A summer full of sangria on the patio.
Movement: Still nada.
Food cravings: Milk & Cookies
Anything making you queasy or sick: Fish.
Have you started to show yet: Growing slowly, tighter clothes give me away.
Gender prediction: GIRL!
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy!

Edumacate Yourself

For the fellow clueless preggo out there like me, it is very tempting to purchase every single paperback in the baby/parenting section. Obviously in hopes that if I read them all I will magically be 100% prepared to birth and raise this impending heathen.

What I've learned so far: most of it is bullshit. Scary effing bullshit. With photos. And diagrams.

So I made myself a rule: only have one reference that gives you the real info you need to know. Everything else should be funny. And so far, it's working.

Here's my recommendations if you care:

My favorite, laughed my ass off.

Good health info, easy to understand without being too scary.

Another hilarious option with a useful tip or two.

I Bought A Baby Cage

Who knew so much would go into choosing a cage to lock your baby up in?

Oh, wait that's not what those are for? Uh.....

Anyway, after much deliberation we opted not to go with the one my parents still have stored in the attic from when I was born ("safety regulations" or something ridiculous) and found a cute gender neutral option. Also came with a free mattress! Apparently I have to research how mattresses can smother babies, but who really has time for that.....

Personally I think it would make a perfectly good dog bed, but I guess eventually Shrimpy will need a place to sleep and poor Luna will need to be vacated from the premises.

"Um...so this is for me right?"

Oh, we also chose this picture to announce to the world that Josh's prodigy is on it's way...NBD!

How far along? 14 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: I've still lost wait, guessing from the lack of alcohol.
Maternity clothes? Not yet, but baggy pants are my BFF.
Stretch marks? No.
Sleep: Starting to sleep like a baby!
Best moment this week: My dad putting the crib together, even though it wouldn't fit through the door.
Have you told family and friends: YES! The world finally knows why I can't stop eating cheese.
Miss Anything? Skinny jeans. (...and alcohol...)
Movement: I know it's happening I just can't feel it.
Food cravings: Onion rings.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Fish.
Have you started to show yet: Still rocking a small beer gut, definitely still questionable to strangers.
Gender prediction: Still leaning towards the female specimen.
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy!

Baby Doctor Visit #2


Can't even describe how fun today was!

Minus the fact that I had to empty my bladder about three times for poor Linda the Ultrasound Lady (what? I like to hydrate...) we had a great visit!

Our little Shrimp has officially upgraded to non-shrimp-like status. It's actually starting to look human. thank god. Still has a gigantic head but we won't hold that against the little one just yet, we all go through our awkward stages.

The best part of the whole thing was getting to see Shrimp bouncing up and down and waving it's little arms in the care like it just didn't care.

How far along? 12 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: Lost 6 lbs now, isn't this supposed to be going the other way?
Maternity clothes? Still shopping, but not wearing....did you know H&M sells them?!
Stretch marks? No.
Sleep: Still getting up to pee and chug water once a night.
Best moment this week: Watching Shrimp throwing a party in there!
Have you told family and friends: Yes, all close ones know! Debating on announcing to the world!
Miss Anything? Alcohol, (which will always be first) and now coffee which upsets my stomach.
Movement: No :(
Food cravings: Donuts & Philly Cheesesteaks
Anything making you queasy or sick: Coffee
Have you started to show yet: Just a little bit! I'm in the awkward " wow, she's let herself go" phase.
Gender prediction: Most are guessing girl but I still don't know! We'll find out soon!
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy!

Looking forward to: Finding out the gender & telling the world. 

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Happy Father's Day!

Even though little Shrimp won't be here for quite awhile, I decided to go ahead and surprise my husband with his first Father's Day gift.

I ordered this cute set from Etsy and he loved it! I found lots of other cute and mildly inappropriate baby wear so I'm excited to start shopping!

Friday, June 19, 2015

I'm A Raging Bitch

Oh. My. God. I hate you. And you. And you over there. And you I’ve never met. And you that I never will meet. All of you.

No, no, not really, I love you. All of you. You’re the greatest and so supportive and..and…*sobbing*

So mood swings, eh?

I have never experienced uncontrollable emotions like this before.

When I’m angry at something that wouldn’t normally make me mad it’s like there is this little person in my head screaming “No, stop! This isn’t a big deal!” but all I can do is huff and puff like a lunatic and throw the laundry basket across the room because I can’t find the pants I want to wear. (Sure wish that didn’t really happen.)

Yesterday my sister sent me this hilarious video of a child falling dangerously down a slide and I was laughing so hard that I actually started crying from happiness. Not just tears in my eyes from laughing, but hard, ugly crying. (See my first post about not loving children.)

And that GE commercial with the little monster that gets bullied until he becomes a beautiful grown monster? Forget about it I was sobbing. They were just SO mean to him……

I finally decided to come clean to my coworkers after a particularly embarrassing meltdown, and they know me so well that a couple have even developed a “calm down” signal that gives me time to run and take cover when they feel one a’brewin. Thanks guys, you’re the best!

So for now I think the only thing I can do is avoid videos of dogs being reunited to soldiers returning home from war on YouTube.

How far along? 10 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: Lost 3 lbs. but I don’t know how that’s possible because I haven’t thrown up once.
Maternity clothes? Bought a few winter things on clearance but still too afraid to try on!
Stretch marks? No.
Sleep: Now getting up to pee and chug water once a night.
Best moment this week: Not killing anyone.
Have you told family and friends: Yes, still only a close few and now the girls at work so my mood swings are understood (and hopefully forgiven!)
Miss Anything? My sweet, precious alcohol.
Movement: Not yet.
Food cravings: Cheetos, but only the puffy ones.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Still that damn smelly food.
Have you started to show yet: No, but I’m so bloated I might as well be…
Gender prediction: In my dreams it’s been a girl.
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Oh so moody. Bleh.
Looking forward to: Finding out the gender, telling the world, and not feeling like a crazy person.

Baby Doctor Visit #1


I seriously feel like a million pieces of information has been slammed into my brain today and I just forgot all of it. The only thing I remember is that I can’t drink anymore, and damn do I need a DRANK.

On the plus side, my OBGYN is so amazing that I just want to kiss her on the lips every time she walks into the room. My husband loves her too, as far I know he doesn’t want to kiss her but he thinks she is really caring, a good listener and she makes us feel like all our concerns are normal ones and puts us at ease. Luckily for me everything was healthy and normal so all my questions after that were purely about vanity. (Knowing if you can spray tan is IMPORTANT.)

I recently switched doctors because my old gyno was a straight up bitch and always made me feel stupid. I don’t CARE if you think my question is stupid and my concerns are silly, you are the doctor so just ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION. She was the same doctor I’ve seen since my Mom sent me to get on birth control at age 18 in case I got date raped at college, and I guess I just never realized that you can go see ANY doctor you WANT to.

I had asked her once about what I should do if I was thinking about conceiving, and she told me to “stop smoking crack.” Which I would have found hilarious if it was followed by real doctor-type advice. BYE FELICIA.  

But seeing the little Shrimp on the ultrasound was SO fun and watching the little heart beat monitor made it all start to feel real.


So I guess my advice to you is:, find an OBGYN you want to make out with because it makes things so much easier when you are freaking the eff out because of the human inside you.

Also, second piece of advice: warn your support person that during the first ultrasound the giant wand goes in your hot pocket, not on your belly. Poor guy was NOT prepared for that and asked a LOT of questions about how ineffective the paper blankets are.

How far along? 8 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: None.
Maternity clothes? Just a couple hand-me-downs I’m too afraid to try on.
Stretch marks? No.
Sleep: Sleeping great, but having weird ass dreams.
Best moment this week: Seeing Shrimpy on the ultrasound!
Have you told family and friends: Yes, still only a close few.
Miss Anything? Wine. Beer. Vodka. Tequila. Rum. Get my drift?
Movement: Not yet.
Food cravings: Cereal.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Still the stinky stuff.
Have you started to show yet: Nope.
Gender prediction: I really have no clue!
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy!
Looking forward to: Finding out the gender and telling the world.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

So, Then Why Did You Even Get Pregnant?

I’m sure if there’s anyone actually reading this, you are probably asking yourself this question.

The answer is pretty simple: my sweet, sweet husband LOVES children. Children love him, it’s pretty disgusting, and he wants to be a dad more than anything. (Seriously, he’s the sweetest, kindest, most loving person and I still can’t figure out why we’re married because usually I can’t stand those people.)

So that’s why telling him was pretty fun. I knew the day Aunt Flo skipped town and my 10 pee pee sticks screamed positive that I couldn’t keep my mouth shut for long. So I filled his new toolbox he asked me not to touch with miscellaneous baby things and stuck a bow on top. I knew he would initially be pissed that I touched the toolbox he “specifically asked me not to touch” but his anger was soon forgotten and the jumping up and down and screaming that ensued was severely entertaining!

Telling my family on Mother’s Day was fun too, we gave my mom a card that said “Grandma” on it so watching her open it was exciting! Once she was sure we did it on purpose the congratulations followed.

So whether I’m ready or not, I’m knocked up now and there’s no stopping it so here we go…

How far along? 6 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: None.
Maternity clothes? None.
Stretch marks? No.
Sleep: Sleeping great!
Best moment this week: Telling my family!  
Have you told family and friends: Yes, but just a select few.
Miss Anything? WINE. wine. wine. *cue sobbing*
Movement: None.
Food cravings: None yet.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Fish, onions, anything smelly.
Have you started to show yet: Nope.
Gender prediction: Chinese calendar says girl.  
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy!.
Looking forward to: Our first Dr. visit!

shit. shit. SHIT!

Well kids, the fun is officially over. This is not a drill. The Thomases are about to be PARENTS.

To a human. effing. being. Like a real person, with feelings, emotions, a personality and all kinds of corruptible things.  

If you know anything about me you know one of the most obvious things:  I don’t love children. I’m usually pretty mean to them, which in turn makes them think I’m kidding and then they come back for more, so it’s a pretty abusive cycle for both parties.

 I’ve never changed a diaper. or fed a baby. I’ve held one enough times to count on one hand. A good friend of mine left me alone with hers once so she could use the restroom, but she came back so quickly I’m not sure she even wiped. Her concern was warranted as I’ve locked another friend’s child in a dog kennel. (To be fair the little nugget went in on her own and ASKED me to shut the door okay?)

So I’ve never been one to over share about my life via social media, internet, etc. but as I type into Google “what do you do with a baby,” I begin to discover an untapped world of what are affectionately titled: Mom Blogs. dun dun dun.

So as I peruse the Mommy Internet World I’m finding that there is a Mom Blog for almost everything you can think of.  If you are pro/anti anything I promise you that someone, somewhere out there is blogging about it for you. And let me tell you what, there are some people out there that are fucking crazy.

My most interesting finds:
Free-Range Kids
The Feminist Breeder

… and oh. dear. god. could I go on!

So herein lies the inspiration to start my own uncensored (sorry Dad), documentation of the journey of a pediaphobic pregnant person. (Pediaphobia aka the fear of children is a real thing, look it up. Not to be confused with pediophobia which is the fear of dolls, but I have that too.)

Sidenote: I’m an excellent Dog Mom, so I’m thinking this can’t be much harder…right? RIGHT?!