Thursday, September 15, 2016

Parenting Style: Survive

While my kid sits next to me gnawing on an organic baby cracker that tastes like paper, I started thinking about the hot-button parenting topics I see on the Internet every day. As a first-time mom of a now 9-month-old nugget, I decided to share my opinion on them... whether or not you care/agree isn't my problem as you're the one who clicked the link to read this, not I. :)

Breast vs. Bottle feeding: Whatever makes those thighs chunky - thick thighs save lives!

Cloth vs Disposable diapers: Whatever keeps the poo contained and out of my hair.

Vaccinations: As long as my kid can still cuddle with smallpox blankets, we're good.

Spanking: Belt or Spoon? Just kidding....aren't we giving kids "choices" these days?

Homeschooling: Let's be honest, no one wants me to teach small humans anything so I'm sending my kid to someone with a degree in education.

Baby wearing: I have a great chiropractor so all options are open.

Co-sleeping: My kid sleeps in the next room because I don't like getting kicked in the face but do what you want!

Working vs. Staying at home: Whatever makes you feel like you run the world.

Crying it out: Turn up the TV it's taco night!!

I guess my entire point if you've missed it already is people should just do what they want and LEAVE EVERYONE ELSE THE FUCK ALONE. Thank you, and good night.

Friday, February 26, 2016

Welcome to Collinsville!

I love to decorate, so when we found out we were having a girl I already had a Pinterest board full of ideas on how to turn her room into the whimsical wonderland I had been dreaming of. I'm sharing where I found my stuff below in case you want inspiration to make your own:

The glider was my first purchase after finding out we were pregnant and I am so glad I splurged on it. It's extremely comfy and spills wipe off of it very easily. I chose not to get the ottoman because I prefer to put my feet in the lambskin rug from my mom.

The gold polka dots are just removable stickers that I was absolutely no help in putting on there. Unless you count sitting in my new chair, stuffing my face with Taquitos and yelling orders at my polka-dot bitch boy aka my husband. 

The wall art consists of picture frames made by my friend with gold, glitter spray paint for my baby shower, and I just printed free prints from the internet saying cute things like "Let's Be Mermaids." I always told myself if I ever had a baby girl I would put some Unicorn taxidermy on her wall so I waited for Black Friday and got a great deal on a little white/gold glitter piece! 

The "Where the Wild Things Are" art and the white/gold pillow are both from Hobby Lobby. The quilt was custom made by my sister-in-law so you're on your own if you like those! 

For a changing table I chose to repurpose a dresser I found on Craigslist. My husband is a carpenter so he redid the sliding drawers, added a bunch of the fancy details on the outside and painted it Pink Mimosa. I love the pop of color it brings to the room! 

The jeweled drawer pulls are from Hobby Lobby (wait for them to go 50% off!) and so is the art on the wall above.

Changing pad cover is wipeable (a must!!!) and changing pad are both from Target.

"Hi Luna!"

More Hobby Lobby art in this photo, including the little animals on the dresser. This is an old dresser that was my grandma's, we only had to paint this one and redo the pulls to match the changing table.

The cute owl lamp is the perfect size, a nice in between for lamp vs. nightlight. It was a must have that kept going out of stock at Target so I watched it every day online while on maternity leave to grab it which it came back. One day I got lucky with 5 left in stock!  Same with her mobile, I keep picking the same stuff everyone else wants I guess!! 

I'm obsessed with the little Crane Droplet humidifier. It's smaller than the regular drop ones and is super cute in her room! Remember, I'm a little vain so I like my useful household objects to be pleasing to the eyes as well. 

Thursday, February 18, 2016

The Lazy Mom Survival Guide

While I am obviously not an expert in the area of rearing a child, I am a full believer in making life easier on yourself. Why do it the hard way when there are so many things that have been invented to give you some peace of mind? And as a new mom I think peace of mind is more precious than gold, and even breast milk.

Below I have listed my absolute favorite (so far) baby products that have made it so much easier for me to be, I mean busy. Doing other, productive things of course. (But mostly being lazy.)

Baby Brezza: At first I thought this amazing, miracle machine was an Internet joke. Once I realized it was a real thing I HAD TO HAVE IT. It is basically a baby formula Keurig machine, one push of a button gives you a bottle ready to go at the perfect temperature! And trust me, at 3 AM this bad boy is a gift from  heaven!! I can make a bottle with my eyes closed. Seriously I've made it to the kitchen and back with a prepared bottle and I didn't open my eyes once. I will never have a baby in my home without this lifesaver. Now some of you may be thinking "Wow, what a waste of money, making a bottle isn't that hard," and all I have to say to you is that while you are still shaking that bottle and checking the temperature, my kid is already fed, back to sleep and I'm on my second episode of Maury.

4moms Infant Tub: For some reason I am completely paranoid and terrified about the temperature of my baby's bath water. I think I avoided a bath for the first week she was home because of it, and then I would feel guilty about all the sock fuzz I would find in between her toes. This bath tub is an absolute God-send, I am so obsessed with it and I wish I could french kiss the person who invented it. It checks the temp of the water so you can have it just right, and there is a continuous flow of warm, clean water into the area your baby sits in, while simultaneously draining out dirty water so it never gets too full. This thing was worth EVERY PENNY. Now bath time is quick, fun and I can enjoy my naked baby without worrying that I accidentally invited her to a crab boil as the main course. 

Rock & Play: This thing is AMAZING. My kid lives in it during the day, and it's so easy to put in any room of the house so you can keep an eye on them while they are sleeping. I set it right outside the shower so I can peek out at her, and we've also brought it to other people's houses when we know we will be there for awhile so we can set her to the side to nap instead of holding her the whole time (like when eating, dropping guac in your kid's eye is not cool.) 

Zip-Up PJs: A good friend mentioned to me that the zip-up sleepers are so much better than the snap up ones and I am SO glad I listened! It is so much quicker to get them dressed and undressed, we wear one every single night, sometimes two if it's an exceptionally messy day. (Not at the same time, but that does sound like an interesting idea.)  Just make sure you don't accidentally zip their skin up in it. Not that I've done that or anything.........

Halo Bassinest: This awesome bassinet is amazing, especially if you end up having a c-section! I tried doing the pack-and-play bassinet thing, and my back hurt so bad that I could barely bend over and pick up my baby out of it. This thing is level with your bed, you can lay your arm in it to soothe a fussy baby, or get them in and out without getting out of bed at all. The fancy one even has a night light, vibration and sounds. It also swivels around to make it easy to get in and out of bed. Space was a big concern for me as well because I have a small home; this goes right up next to the bed and the skinny stand makes it so I can still get around it. I also like the mesh sides so my baby monitor can look right into it when I'm in a different room. Plus, I'm vain and it's pretty!

Babyganics: After trying a million baby products Babyganics has by far become my favorite brand! (I also really like Aveeno just FYI.) It's organic and blah blah blah blah free, but I just like the way it smells and the cute packaging, duh.

4moms Mamaroo: Again, as a person with space issues in my house I didn't want a million different chairs, bouncers, swings, etc. cluttering up the place. So I splurged on this mamma jamma that does it all! Even better, you can control it from an app on your phone if you really want to indulge in some lazy couch time while baby is sleeping blissfully in what they "think" is a car ride, but really it's your bad ass baby chair.

Wipe Warmer: Last but not least, I always thought wipe warmers were dumb and they are on like every "You Don't Really Need This" list. But let me tell you, my kid hates being cold and will scream bloody murder out of a dead sleep when I put a cold wipe on her butt. I bought this to experiment, and now when I use a warmed up wipe she doesn't even wake up when I'm changing her at night. So obviously my baby doesn't give two shits about the temperature of her wipes, but it sure does make me feel better.

So I know people have been having babies for thousands of years without any of this stuff, and I'm sure plenty of people right now have perfectly happy babies without any of it too, but they are definitely not enjoying as much day time television as I am.

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Excuse Me, WHAT Did You Just Say?

So, back in December I was fully prepared to write a snarky post from my 36 week check up...that's the first one where they check your cervix and swab your butthole so you know it would have been a good one.


We had a baby. That day. NBD. OMG. IKR? WTF! 

So let's talk about December 15, 2015:

It's 10 days before Christmas and I run a $5.5 million store so needless to say my stress level was up there. I was still teeter-tottering up on step ladders when no one was watching, but those 8 hour shifts were starting to get to me. I was officially in tennis shoes every day at work with my ankles pouring over the sides and touching the floor. Ok, that last part was a lie. But I was definitely swollen. Monday I left saying, "See you on Thursday!" ......................and never came back. 

Tuesday was my day off, I was having a great day so far. I felt great, I had the energy that morning to shave most of my legs, and I said "screw you caffeine rules" and went to Starbucks anyway.  At the doctor's office I was called back to get my blood pressure and weight checked. Weighed in at 199 which I counted as a win as I had ballooned that last couple of weeks and was expecting to be WAY over the 200 mark. I literally had no more room to stretch and had one little stretch mark starting that I swear I could hear laughing at night.

So Nurse #1 checks my blood pressure, looks at me funny, and checks it again. Checks it a third time, and then says "Um...I'll be right back." .........okay, obviously this one has no game face
Nurse #1 comes back with Nurse #2 who takes my blood pressure twice and they both look at each other, (mind you they are saying what the blood pressure numbers are... I just didn't have a clue what any of it meant.) 
Nurse #2 says "Well let's get you back to see the doctor right away." ......shit, I bet this is because I drank too much coffee, I wish I knew what was going on. Oh well, lalalalalala.

So I see the doctor, she does all the normal exam stuff then tells me my blood pressure is a little high (liar) so she mentions a possibility of bed rest and sends me to Labor & Delivery so they can watch my blood pressure for a couple hours. THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN MY FIRST CLUE. But naturally it wasn't. .....hmm, that's weird my blood pressure has been perfect this whole time, oh well at least I'll get to watch Bravo.

We go to L&D, still clueless, I get hooked up to all the monitors, still clueless. .........ooh Real Housewives of Beverly Hills marathon, my fave. Vanderpump Rules! Stassi's such a bitch......

My new nurse comes in after a while and shoots it straight with me on my level: "Girlfriend, your blood pressure sucks. You're probably going home with a baby."


That word you just said sounded an awful lot like "baby."

Doctor comes in, and in a nutshell she tells me baby is great, but I have very severe preeclampsia and the little nugget needs to come out now. I will never forget this moment because my husband and I looked at each other and we both teared up in panic. I will never forget the look on his face in that split second of sheer terror. ........dammit, glad I showered today I guess.     

So 10 hours, a ton of phone calls, one million ice chips and one c-section later,  we welcomed baby Collins to the world!  

We were in the hospital for a week after she arrived due to her prematurity and my blood pressure,  the experience which I've summed up below minus all the really nasty stuff: 

Cons: NICU baby = sad, sad new Mommy, hospital food, those awkward gowns with the boob holes in the front, and a painful recovery.
Pros: My first Christmas off in 10 years, a week of Housewives and Kardashian marathons, never reaching 200 lbs (muaahahaaa), pain killers, an excuse to shop online all day, oh yeah.....and the cutest baby EVER. (That they eventually made me take home, why I still don't know.)   

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Weird Dreams

I tracked my weird pregnancy dreams for awhile. You're welcome.

... The one where I went into early labor and when I showed up at the hospital I had half my baby hanging out of my hot pocket, only to pull it all the way out and find out it's a ferret with no hair that shrivels up in my hands.......????

... The one where my baby climbs out of the front of the stroller and I'm dragging her under it through the mall without noticing.

... The one where lightening is hitting every house on my block in order one by one.

... The one where I cheat on my husband with Patrick Swayze circa the Dirty Dancing era, but then move to Florida to marry a classmate from high school. (This will make the next reunion awkward...)

... The one where I turn into a cartoon character that wants to make out with strangers.

... The one where my baby decides to crawl out by herself and start nursing in the middle of the night, and I don't realize it until I lift up the sheets to see what's going on down there.

...The one where I go through the grocery store and lick all of the fruit roll ups.

...The one where my friend quits speaking to me for showing her how to do laundry.

...The one where I'm a waitress at a restaurant where the drinks are served in water guns that you have to shoot into your mouth.

How far along? 34 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: +12 lbs
Maternity clothes? I'm resisting the urge to buy more and trying to make these last few weeks last!
Stretch marks? No, but the stretching is real.
Sleep: Getting more difficult, especially the sleeping and breathing at the same time part.
Best moment this week: Getting my Christmas cards ready to go, baby themed of course!       
Miss Anything? I used to really love moving around without difficulty.
Movement: Body parts are starting to stick out and it's just creepy!
Food cravings: I'm on a brownie kick at the moment.
Anything making you queasy or sick: No but I have to eat more often in smaller amounts.
Gender: Girl. 
Labor Signs: No.
Symptoms: Getting super exhausted, but it could be the Holiday season at work. Gotta love retail.
Belly Button in or out? Still in, holding on to hope.
Wedding rings on or off? Off! Time to buy a big fakie!
Happy or Moody most of the time: Annoyed with everyone, but again that could be retail during the holidays!
Looking forward to: Last touches on the nursery, it's pretty much done!

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Maternity Photo Shoot

No complaints today, just a few favorites from our maternity photo shoot taken at 32 weeks!

The leaves were definitely in our favor that day:

How far along? 32 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: +10 lbs
Maternity clothes? Yep, starting to realize I need to do laundry more often.
Stretch marks? Still in the clear.
Sleep: Depends on the day.
Best moment this week: FINALLY getting finished dressers. Nursery pics soon!       
Miss Anything? Being able to roll over by myself.
Movement: Less since she's running out of space, but homegirl has a swift right hook.
Food cravings: Brrrroooooowwwnnnnnniiiieesssssss all the time.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nope.
Gender: Girl. 
Labor Signs: No.
Symptoms: I've had major gum and nosebleeds, pretty much can turn into Dracula at any moment.
Belly Button in or out? Still in, but I don't trust it.
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Still very moody.
Looking forward to: Cleaning the house, it's nesting time!

Friday, November 13, 2015

Touched By A Stranger

I knew this day was coming.

It was inevitable, really.

It all happened so fast that when it was over I wasn't even sure it had really happened.

A stranger. touched. my. belly.

Worst of all it was a customer at work, so there was no opportunity for me to scream "EXCUSE ME YOU CRAZY TOUCHY-FEELY PSYCHO!"

I had to grin and bear it while I tried to convince her that yes ma'am, you do need this $80 sweatshirt.

For some reason in my head I had always pictured being felt up in that way by a cute little grandma that smelled like gingerbread.

For some reason that seems okay.

This lady had bad teeth and she didn't even smell good.

I feel like a part of my baby's soul has been stolen.

How far along? 30 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: +8 lbs, doubled in 2 weeks, Halloween was good to me and I have no regrets.
Maternity clothes? I feel like a child screaming at everyone to stop singing Happy Birthday to them when people tell me my maternity clothes are cute, because I hate them all.
Stretch marks? No, knock on wood.
Sleep: Getting harder as I grow bigger.
Best moment this week: Finding out baby is head down, now just stay that way Baby C!       
Miss Anything? I am the Queen of the hot toddy, so this is going to be a rough winter.
Movement: So much, she pretty much stretches out from end to end now.
Food cravings: I have been super into chocolate this week.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nope.
Gender: Girl. 
Labor Signs: No.
Symptoms: I think the heartburn is starting, but that could have been the bag of M&Ms before bed.
Belly Button in or out? In, but it's starting to hurt which makes me think something dangerous is about to happen.
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Super moody, cried all day at work on Monday, only 60% was work related, the rest was just uncontrollable pregnancy crying which continued into the evening and bedtime.
Looking forward to: Finishing the nursery which is STILL waiting on dressers to be painted.